Evil named Anxiety

Lets face it...I have been struggling for the past several months. I am feeling in limbo land. I have been questing who I am, my faith....I guess you would call it a midlife crisis. But what I recently relized above everything else is I was allowing Evil to guide me and seep into my thoughts. I would like to name this evil Depression. I have struggled with Depression since my teen years. I usually shake it off and over come, replacing happy thoughts with negative thoughts but then there are things that I can't just brush off or make go away. Some people see this behavior as controling. I have routines for everything from morning to night...routines to eat right, routines to stay in shape, routines to keep my house clean. These rouitnes or rituals I set up are to keep me on top of things..because recently, I realized I am not Depressed..probably never have been but rather have deep rooted Anxiety that causes me to get down if I feel overwhelmed and or can change something in my life. Usually to fight anxiety, I look at what caused me to get overwhelmed in the first place and set up a routine or a way to do things differently in the future. The problem is when you live with 4 other people, one an adult themselves you can't force them to always go along with your thoughts or ideas. Therefore, Anxiety prevails. Oh by the way....I am a deep things therefore if I come to a solution for something, it is deeply thoughout out and planned...no impulse here..so once I have something thought up..I am a little rigid in out it is going to play out..either way.

So back to the faith questing situation. Well what it really boiled down too is that most of my life I have made decision based on what I felt was right at the time. What was going to give me and my family the best life possible, not always what I wanted to do or felt emtionally what I wanted to do. I just ignored my emotions. Well one of the things I questioned was my believe in God. Every possible doubt I had seeped into my mind. Well recently instead of fighting God I have been researching all my doubts. And the more I read the bible and study the more peace I feel. Which since I am paying attention to my emotions more, is a clear sign to me that God is my father who love me and bring me much peace. Also I struggled with why I was feeling so much strive and pain in my relationshihps in life. And the truth is God made a perfect world and gave us free will. Which means life is not going to be perfect..because quite frankly people screw up..but by trying to follow what God wants for us we can feel a little of that perfection, peace and love.

Also my health has not been what it needs to be..I have gained about 10lbs. My promise to myself is to put my health first..body, mind and spirit. starting today.