Evil named Anxiety

Lets face it...I have been struggling for the past several months. I am feeling in limbo land. I have been questing who I am, my faith....I guess you would call it a midlife crisis. But what I recently relized above everything else is I was allowing Evil to guide me and seep into my thoughts. I would like to name this evil Depression. I have struggled with Depression since my teen years. I usually shake it off and over come, replacing happy thoughts with negative thoughts but then there are things that I can't just brush off or make go away. Some people see this behavior as controling. I have routines for everything from morning to night...routines to eat right, routines to stay in shape, routines to keep my house clean. These rouitnes or rituals I set up are to keep me on top of things..because recently, I realized I am not Depressed..probably never have been but rather have deep rooted Anxiety that causes me to get down if I feel overwhelmed and or can change something in my life. Usually to fight anxiety, I look at what caused me to get overwhelmed in the first place and set up a routine or a way to do things differently in the future. The problem is when you live with 4 other people, one an adult themselves you can't force them to always go along with your thoughts or ideas. Therefore, Anxiety prevails. Oh by the way....I am a deep things therefore if I come to a solution for something, it is deeply thoughout out and planned...no impulse here..so once I have something thought up..I am a little rigid in out it is going to play out..either way.

So back to the faith questing situation. Well what it really boiled down too is that most of my life I have made decision based on what I felt was right at the time. What was going to give me and my family the best life possible, not always what I wanted to do or felt emtionally what I wanted to do. I just ignored my emotions. Well one of the things I questioned was my believe in God. Every possible doubt I had seeped into my mind. Well recently instead of fighting God I have been researching all my doubts. And the more I read the bible and study the more peace I feel. Which since I am paying attention to my emotions more, is a clear sign to me that God is my father who love me and bring me much peace. Also I struggled with why I was feeling so much strive and pain in my relationshihps in life. And the truth is God made a perfect world and gave us free will. Which means life is not going to be perfect..because quite frankly people screw up..but by trying to follow what God wants for us we can feel a little of that perfection, peace and love.

Also my health has not been what it needs to be..I have gained about 10lbs. My promise to myself is to put my health first..body, mind and spirit. starting today.

advice for love in tune

Honesty by Rodney Atkins:

honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust
a little less time for the rest of the world
and more for the 2 of us.
kisses each morning, i love yous at night

Love Like Crazy by Lee Brice
be a best friend, tell the trust, and overuse I love you
go to work, do your best, don't your outsmart common sents
don't let your praying knees get crazy
love like crazy

BFF, has been right there all along.

Someone to bring you up when you are down. To take you by the hand when you feel you can not walk alone. Someone to believe in you when you forget to believe in yourself. Someone you can trust with all your secrets and thoughts and know they will not be shared with anyone else. You can trust them your deepest darkest thoughts as well as your bizarre dreams and know they will love you anyway. They deal with you in your worst mood possible and fly with you in your happiest moods. Sometimes you love them, sometimes they drive you crazy. They aren't perfect all the time, they have flaws just as you do. They have bad days. You can scream and yell at them one night and wake up the next day holding hands and ready to take on the world. This is a bestfriend. This is my husband.

Future quotes to inspire writing.

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -William Blake

Religion is not a burden, not a weight, it is wings. Harry Emerson Fosdick

Sadness flies away on the wings of time. Jean de La Fontaine

Sometimes, if you aren't sure about something, you have to just jump off the bridge and grow wings on your way down. Danielle Steel

The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence. Denis Waitley

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings. Hodding Carter

To stay ahead, you must have your next idea waiting in the wings. Rosabeth Moss Kanter

Truth is not a matter of fact but a state of harmony with progress and hope. Enveloped only in its wings will we ever soar to the promise of our greater selves. Bryant H. McGill

When we are touched by something it's as if we're being brushed by an angel's wings. Rita Dove

Of what use were wings to a man fast bound in chains of iron?

The last few weeks have been really hard. I have been struggling with a mood I just can't shake. Life seems hard to get though on days. Sometimes I feel life is just happening and I just do not have much control over what is happening in my life. I realize God is the one ultimately in control and I should not worry or feel as I do but it is still happening. Part of my struggle is that I have just felt exhausted lately. Does not seem I ever feel rested. I am sure training for the marathon is taking a toll on my body. I am disappointed because I wanted to feel stronger at this point not like this. I need to go back on my vitamins as well. Female issues I am sure are making my iron low. So for now, I am going to use my "Wings" to lift me up and help me fly although my mind and body are struggling to sink. I will not let the weight of my mind weight me down but break free of the chain and fly again, fly each day...

Darn that white chocolate easter bunny...it smiled and winked at me til I ate him. : )

Many know that I started my weight loss journey about 2 years ago. I have lost 70lbs. I have only 6lbs until I will be at the weight that will give me a bmi that said I am at a normal weight. The weight loss has never been about looking better although that has been a benefit, it has always been about how when I eat better I feel better. When I exercise, I feel less anxiety and stress. I feel in control. Why is it then that I get into slumps and know that eating right an exercising will make me feel better but is is the last thing I want to do? A vicious cycle really. Thus why today I managed to consume 1000 calories of white chocolate bunny...damn bunny and damn my brother for leaving it here. : )

With Wings I can run...

I allowed negative comments that loves ones had told me to shape me thorughout my life, although I don't even know if the person has knows how it has impacted me.For instance recently I just realize I could run. : ) Before in my mind I remember my step-dad saying "Its okay you can't run, your just solid...meat and potatoes..solid people can't run." Therefore whenever I tried to run since the time I was young, that would pop into my head. Instead of trying to push throuhg it, I would play that over and over in my mind until I just started walking. So for years I would tell people I am not athletic, I can't run when really I can and I do!!

How does your family, friends and professors define who you are..

My cousin Ana had to ask: .with a little thought this is what I wrote...Your family helps define you from birth. This is where you get your roots. From the time you are born your parent can add your detract from how you feel as a person. If they are positive about who you are you feel positive about you. My father always told me how smart and beautiful I was and I believed him. He also always complained about wanting a boy (Have to carry on the family name.) and therefore I knew that in his mind men were more superior..although really that just made me push the opposite. My mother helped me define what was meant to be a woman. She was caregiver, a hardworker, although I seen her struggles with self confidence and standing up strong for who she was. So they shapes me in positive ways but as with any child you also take what you want to do different. Also your parents give you guidelines of what is right and what is wrong. They shape your world view of what you see as normal. Once you grow then your friends challenge that. I had friends who challenges my religion, my values but also showed me better ways to live. So therefore your world view gets bigger. Once you enter college, a good professor will challenges your though processes even further. So because of my parents, I am an Italian strong, smart, beautiful person. Because of my friends I have been challenged to find who I am even further, I became a Christian and because of teachers in my life my world view has grown even further and helped me be a college graduate.. I am a loving mother mother, a determined wife, a college graduate, a strong woman all because of the people who challenged/shaped me throughout my life.

Why, Life with Wings?

Over the last couple of years my life has changed. I metamorphosed and grew my wings. Okay, I didn't really grow my wings, they were tattooed on but none the less I learned to fly. Not through the sky but through life. No longer grounded by what I can't do but ready to fly through anything I put my mind to thus why I named my blog Life with Wings.